My heart is breaking. All I have is the work I took on for myself, to help the newbies and cook for everyone and make blankets, to try and hide from it and push it away just a little bit.
And now even THAT's getting thrown in my face. Fuck me for trying. Fuck me for caring. Not good enough never good enough shouldn't even feel anything not worth it...
I want you to listen, Becca. I want you to stop thinking all gloomy and LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
It's important that you understand what I say next. Don't go assuming it's something about how I want you to die, because I don't want ANYONE to die, ever, and that's insulting, or how you're a horrible person.
So, listen and actually THINK about it for more than two seconds to assume the worst.
Because I swear, you're worse than Chrono about being a cynic and that's saying something.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be so cynical! Everything I have ever cared about has blown up in my face! And not even my own mother wanted me. Every time I think it's getting better, something goes wrong and ruins it all. There is NO hope. It NEVER gets better. The only thing keeping me alive is my fucking promise.
It's the reason you THINK no one gives you any sympathy. Think, because some do, but you don't see it.
You use your past as a crutch. You use it as a way to justify your actions. You use it as a means to make everything you do as 'okay' in your head when it's not. You use it as an excuse not to fix when you have done wrong.
Because there are some things that are YOUR fault. But then you go on and on about how horrible your life is and of course you're going to act that way because it was horrible. But that's not true.
Your past can get you sympathy and understanding. What your past EARNS you, however, is patience. It does not earn you forgiveness. And that's what you use it for.
'I know I did something horrible, but everything was terrible back home, so don't hold it against me.' That's how you use it. And that's why it seems like people don't give you sympathy. Because you expect forgiveness and pity except that's not what you need.
You live completely in the past. You see your life as only through that lens and you focus on that pain and you have become obsessed with it. I told you obsession was bad, was dangerous. Obsession over others or yourself is dangerous.
I've seen that destroy someone I love. Those kind of actions. He focused on the bad things in his past and trying to fix that and never saw what was around him.
That's also why you won't see things from others view. Because you still focus on that pain.
The reason I told you my story Becca wasn't to make you feel bad.
It was to show you just because a past is bad doesn't mean you can't move past it. Is it easy? No, not at all. But unless you're constantly trying to, you never will. And you're not trying constantly.
There are things that are not YOUR FAULT. But how you react to things is YOUR CHOICE. YOUR DECISION. And if you constantly react badly because of the same thing, that's not a human reaction, that is a decision made to never be better.
And when you live in the past, then things are going to slip away. Because others can't live in your past. Either you have to move forward, walk with them, or you will lose everything, and end up alone.
It's NOT even just about the past though. Even JUST the things that are happening RIGHT NOW...it's still horrible and nobody cares. It wasn't as bad as Sabra so I don't have any right to ever be upset about anything ever so shut up forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and die.
Even if I didn't think about where I came from ever again, there's STILL problems. But they're not bad enough for anybody to care anything about them. Nobody even knows what's GOING ON. And nobody cares. There's nobody I can talk to about it. Nobody except Dante. Dante's the only one that understands. Maybe I'll just live inside my head and spend forever with HIM.
Nobody gives a shit about my past, just how I act now, and the fact that I'm not over it and perfectly perfect means I'm a miserable little shit that enjoys being unhappy.
The fact that I still feel bad about things that are older than a nanosecond means I'm living in the past and don't deserve my friends or anything nice.
I don't KNOW! Can't I just be sad in peace? I thought I'd feel better if I threw myself into my work and started helping the newbies, but THAT didn't work, so maybe I'll just lay in here forever until everyone forgets about me.
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And now even THAT's getting thrown in my face. Fuck me for trying. Fuck me for caring. Not good enough never good enough shouldn't even feel anything not worth it...
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I want you to listen, Becca. I want you to stop thinking all gloomy and LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
It's important that you understand what I say next. Don't go assuming it's something about how I want you to die, because I don't want ANYONE to die, ever, and that's insulting, or how you're a horrible person.
So, listen and actually THINK about it for more than two seconds to assume the worst.
Because I swear, you're worse than Chrono about being a cynic and that's saying something.
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You use your past as a crutch. You use it as a way to justify your actions. You use it as a means to make everything you do as 'okay' in your head when it's not. You use it as an excuse not to fix when you have done wrong.
Because there are some things that are YOUR fault. But then you go on and on about how horrible your life is and of course you're going to act that way because it was horrible. But that's not true.
Your past can get you sympathy and understanding. What your past EARNS you, however, is patience. It does not earn you forgiveness. And that's what you use it for.
'I know I did something horrible, but everything was terrible back home, so don't hold it against me.' That's how you use it. And that's why it seems like people don't give you sympathy. Because you expect forgiveness and pity except that's not what you need.
You live completely in the past. You see your life as only through that lens and you focus on that pain and you have become obsessed with it. I told you obsession was bad, was dangerous. Obsession over others or yourself is dangerous.
I've seen that destroy someone I love. Those kind of actions. He focused on the bad things in his past and trying to fix that and never saw what was around him.
That's also why you won't see things from others view. Because you still focus on that pain.
The reason I told you my story Becca wasn't to make you feel bad.
It was to show you just because a past is bad doesn't mean you can't move past it. Is it easy? No, not at all. But unless you're constantly trying to, you never will. And you're not trying constantly.
There are things that are not YOUR FAULT. But how you react to things is YOUR CHOICE. YOUR DECISION. And if you constantly react badly because of the same thing, that's not a human reaction, that is a decision made to never be better.
And when you live in the past, then things are going to slip away. Because others can't live in your past. Either you have to move forward, walk with them, or you will lose everything, and end up alone.
Just like others have.
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Even if I didn't think about where I came from ever again, there's STILL problems. But they're not bad enough for anybody to care anything about them. Nobody even knows what's GOING ON. And nobody cares. There's nobody I can talk to about it. Nobody except Dante. Dante's the only one that understands. Maybe I'll just live inside my head and spend forever with HIM.
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The point I just made. Repeat it back to me.
And I can chase you into your head, so don't even try it.
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Repeat it back to me. Again.
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Repeat it back to me. Again.
[This may go on for a while.]
[SHE HAD DECIDED TO SHOUNEN THIS.]
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You think you're helping, I get it! But you're NOT! Just leave me ALONE!
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[Also would still intangible.]
No. Not until you repeat it ACCURATELY.
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Still wrong. THINK ABOUT IT. What was I actually SAYING. Without all your cynicism. I want you to say it right.
I really have nowhere else to be today.
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I'm staying RIGHT HERE, until you can SAY WHAT I MEAN.
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You still have fight, so you DO care. If you didn't care, you'd just say what I mean JUST FINE because things wouldn't be clouding how you think.
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THAT WAS MEANT TO BE A 1/2 oops
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