When I say stop, I mean stop walking! [Turns around to Becca, hands on her shoulders] Becca, she's right. You're self destructing. You need to stop. Just stop for a minute. Cry if you need to, but you can't keep doing this.
That's not true. Others care about you, they just don't want to see you acting like this, you go after things and when you can't get them it hurts you so much, they see you grasping without any understanding and they can't stand it. You're not alone Becca. You're not, don't paint me as your only saviour.
I want things to be okay again...that's all I want... And they never will... Even if I DO make progress, it's never enough, never fast enough... I'll always be behind. I'll always be a disappointment.
You're looking for gratification. You're looking for people to see you and tell you you're doing a good job, what you want is people to admire you and like you, but like this... Becca, what you did to that girl was cruel. You can't find what you want with the new arrivals, those are people that have just died. They're scared, and sad and need their own time. Sometimes their own time will involve yelling at people, sometimes they're angry. But you can't handle it when they get angry at you. You can't cope with that, and you lash out, and everyone thinks you're behaving terribly. You can't get anything you want this way. And you can't force him to love you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry but you can't.
[Sob, Becca, why do you keep hitting my daddy pings...]
Trying to force someone to love you will also end in sadness. Either they do...or they don't. If you force them, you're more likely to make them hate you.
Things don't always come along and tell you you're doing a good job. Sometimes you just have to be content that you know you're doing better.
But you need to be able to keep yourself open for when the good stuff comes instead of looking at all the stuff that's already passed.
If I were good enough, he just would. No forcing. If I was just good enough...
That's why I try to help out...I try to help everyone and get them settled, and I cook for everyone, and I'm making blankets for people now...but I'm still not good enough. I'll never be good enough...
They don't even appreciate it when I'm nice to them. I go out of my way to help people and they don't even thank me or say they're the slightest bit grateful...
No. Love isn't based on 'good enough', that's not how love works. You cannot make him love you, there is nothing you can do to force that emotion that isn't there in him for you. I'm sorry, but you just can't. It doesn't mean you aren't worth anything. You cannot keep putting your worth into how people see you.
[And we will tackle the problems with people not thanking you later]
That's also right. Things like love, that's not something you can control or make happen. There's no set standard that makes people fall in love with you. No matter how nice it would be. Love is just something that...has to be allowed to happen.
And you can't have everyone decide things for you. You can't please everyone, but if you can be happy with yourself, then the people who like that you will come. If it's dependent always on others, then you'll never be stable. Everyone has different opinions. If you can't have a real, honest opinion of yourself and a true sense of worth, then you'll always be miserable because SOMEONE won't like you.
No. You are a fool who makes the same mistakes over and over and gets frustrated when nothing changes. You are someone who tries and tries, but falls into bad habits. You are selfish, you can be cruel... But everyone has such faults. It doesn't make you a mistake. You deserve to live. You cannot keep wallowing like this.
Do you know how strong you can be? How loyal you are to your friends, how hard you try, your determination, your drive? You have terrible things to you. And you have wonderful things too. But what you are doing right now... You will never be happy if you keep this up.
Everyone deserves to live. Always. And everyone deserves to be liked.
Everyone has something about them that isn't good. No one's perfect, but you need to keep trying even with your flaws. Because there's also all that good stuff too. There will always be stumbling points when you're trying to improve, but you can't give up. Change takes a long time, but if you give up, then of course nothing can improve.
It's hard work, but isn't it more of a shame to make it all be a waste because you didn't keep at it? Everything that's hard becomes easy, but you need to keep at it to reach that point.
[Pause.] And sometimes it's a part of friendship to point out the flaws. If you can't trust your friends to point out when you're messing up and be honest about it, then who CAN you trust?
All I have is my strength, my loyalty...it's all I have...and that's exactly why he's mad at me...like it's a bad thing that I'm loyal to him...
I want people to appreciate me...so I can make a difference, so I can be worth remembering...but I don't get that, either. Just a whole bunch of people mad at me for trying.
It's TOO hard. I can't keep at this. Not like this. I'm not that strong.
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[Okay, stops. '-']
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You're the only one that understands, you're the only one that cares about more than shouting at me and telling me what a fuckup I am...
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That's not true. Others care about you, they just don't want to see you acting like this, you go after things and when you can't get them it hurts you so much, they see you grasping without any understanding and they can't stand it. You're not alone Becca. You're not, don't paint me as your only saviour.
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I just want you to understand so things can get better. But it's like...nothing seems to get through to you.
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He'll never love me...
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Trying to force someone to love you will also end in sadness. Either they do...or they don't. If you force them, you're more likely to make them hate you.
Things don't always come along and tell you you're doing a good job. Sometimes you just have to be content that you know you're doing better.
But you need to be able to keep yourself open for when the good stuff comes instead of looking at all the stuff that's already passed.
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That's why I try to help out...I try to help everyone and get them settled, and I cook for everyone, and I'm making blankets for people now...but I'm still not good enough. I'll never be good enough...
They don't even appreciate it when I'm nice to them. I go out of my way to help people and they don't even thank me or say they're the slightest bit grateful...
It's like I'm not worth anything at all...
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[And we will tackle the problems with people not thanking you later]
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And you can't have everyone decide things for you. You can't please everyone, but if you can be happy with yourself, then the people who like that you will come. If it's dependent always on others, then you'll never be stable. Everyone has different opinions. If you can't have a real, honest opinion of yourself and a true sense of worth, then you'll always be miserable because SOMEONE won't like you.
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Why should I like me? I'm just a mistake that keeps living out of stubbornness and stupidity. That's WHY I have to work so hard to be good enough!
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[BETRAYED]
THAT WAS MEANT TO BE A 1/2 oops
Do you know how strong you can be? How loyal you are to your friends, how hard you try, your determination, your drive? You have terrible things to you. And you have wonderful things too. But what you are doing right now... You will never be happy if you keep this up.
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Everyone has something about them that isn't good. No one's perfect, but you need to keep trying even with your flaws. Because there's also all that good stuff too. There will always be stumbling points when you're trying to improve, but you can't give up. Change takes a long time, but if you give up, then of course nothing can improve.
It's hard work, but isn't it more of a shame to make it all be a waste because you didn't keep at it? Everything that's hard becomes easy, but you need to keep at it to reach that point.
[Pause.] And sometimes it's a part of friendship to point out the flaws. If you can't trust your friends to point out when you're messing up and be honest about it, then who CAN you trust?
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All I have is my strength, my loyalty...it's all I have...and that's exactly why he's mad at me...like it's a bad thing that I'm loyal to him...
I want people to appreciate me...so I can make a difference, so I can be worth remembering...but I don't get that, either. Just a whole bunch of people mad at me for trying.
It's TOO hard. I can't keep at this. Not like this. I'm not that strong.
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But it's that obsession thing again. Remember, Becca? The picture you showed me...it made you realize something, didn't it?
If you only direct it all at one person, then it's going to become a weakness instead of the strength it should be.
And if you can't keep going like this...then try a different way.
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