thusia | (no subject)

I want him back so bad... though he'll be fine. He's strong...

He is strong.

...

I want to know him... to know him as who he is now. What this life has made of him, even if he's not of my timeline. I was so afraid before... and I still am, but.. I want to be beside him.

I know just what you mean. I missed so much...

..... [Laying his arm over top of Alma's.]

Sometimes I would sneak out of my room at night and read books in the library. When I was upset, sometimes... I would read the books aloud and pretend I was talking to Yuu.

I thought... maybe he could hear me from wherever the dead go.

...When... the Noah pulled me out of my seal...

[hesitates, unsure if he should be talking to the other Alma about this at all]

....

They... made it happen by joining our minds... and making us relive our memories together, from a sort of... mingled point of view. Allen was somehow caught in it too, though it's not like I could notice that while reliving it. So I realized...for the first time... that the woman Yuu was seeing when he hallucinated, the hallucinations they were going to terminate him for. That she wasn't just some random person tied to whatever disconnected past he had. Because I saw her through his eyes and saw my own face. He didn't know that she was me, but of course I did. I was... the only one who had remembered everything, so seeing that... knowing that he had no idea...

--He... hallucinated.. us?

..... I didn't know. Not really. I didn't know until Yuu's memories made mine's burst.

I guess maybe I had unconsciously figured it out before that, but I didn't know who he was to me--or who we had been Before.

I remembered when I dropped down into that room where they kept the innocence and saw what they had hidden there. That's... why I lost it. Because I remembered everything... and what that meant they'd done to me... even though I didn't know Yuu was that man.

Yes..

I remember that too.

Edgar and everyone. I didn't know who Yuu was to me, but I killed him where they had taken him. I made sure he and none of the others would wake up, but my body wouldn't die no matter how many times I cut...

And they sent more and more Crow until they finally caught me.

I guess I had caused too much trouble by killing everyone, so they wanted me to suffer. They took all of my memories away. They didn't care if I became a Fallen after that, but were glad I didn't. They made me become an Exorcist for them.

How disgusting. I let them get away with it even after I started to remember--because I was afraid!

.... I know why you hated me so much before. I'm even worse than you.

That's not why at all.

Then why? Because I was weak and scared? Or because I was your nightmare as you were mine?

I wouldn't hate someone for being weak and scared. But -- is there any way to look at our choices, or the turning points in our lives, and think about alternatives, and not hate everything?

Our lives are just awful.

I can't even think of anything either of us could have done to make things turn out better.

Basically. Even if we'd succeeded in running away, where would we go? I wonder if there's a world where we did or if that was impossible from the start.

Did Yuu -- let you kill him, or did he fight back? Mine... fought back.

They would have caught us eventually--or caught Yuu and then what would we do?

Mine.. he had been put to sleep. He didn't wake up to fight back. Or I guess my story would be the same as yours.

...[tightens his arm around him]

If he had fought back....

I don't know. [Kind of half stroking the back of Alma's hand.]

I guess I would have let him kill me. I just wanted us to be together.. but if he didn't want that....

He wanted to live so he could find her.

I see.

We can't ever doubt him, can we?

What?

He's always... Always trying for us, even when it hurts him, even when we've given up--he's always trying for us.

[lets out a little laugh-sob]

[Tightens his hand on Alma's]

It was...scary... when I thought he'd picked her over me... and didn't know we were the same person.