thusia | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Crazy Allen and interested parties
When: Day 25, night
Where: APT E first!
What: oh nooooo

[You know what the worst thing about coming out of a haze of totally bonkers after being securely tied up and drugged for over a day? You can't just immediately run away.

Needless to say it may be hard to even realize Allen is back to normal for like 15 minutes. Because he's still just lying there. Like a deer. Maybe if I am still enough the headlights of sanity won't totally slam into me and send me reeling oh no too late.]

((I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DERP OUT SOON but getting started on fallout since there is a lot of it, aww yea, also we can make timespace our bitch and say your character got news he is not a huge mongler anymore))

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...

Of what I'd done...

Of bringing him back.

I had to bring him back because of what I'd done.

No you didn't, but you wanted to. And a price like that . . . You shouldn't have taken it all on your own.

I can't... I can't share that...

. . . What would you say if it'd been me? If I took on something like that by myself? You can probably guess what I'd become better than most people.

I know. I would hate it. I'd hate that you did that all alone. But this part of me -- I thought I could get away from it, but it's all just there and I rubbed it in all of your faces and even now I just wish I'd gambled and pushed my body a year ahead instead.

And I wish you hadn't relied on only yourself like a goddamn moron. That's what's upset me. I don't care that you have some "secret" dark side. Everyone has something like this. I bet even Tsuna could do awful things if anyone were ever allowed to push him far enough. It's just the way people are, you dumbass.

If you're going to regret something, regret taking the full burden on yourself. Regret not fucking relying on the rest of us to help you when you fucking needed it.

... [looks up at him, and he starts to shake again]

That's... a big part... of what I was rubbing in.

—Don't start crying again!

It isn't that I'm shutting you out. It was my cost. My cost to cover. It was my actions that I had to pay for.

. . . Allen, you're a moron. This cost is too fucking high. I don't give a shit that you killed someone. It's—. . . I know it's not the best solution, but the guy you killed . . . You know he thought it was a goddamn favor, what he did to that guy? He'd kill any one of us and call it a favor.

I won't tell you you shouldn't have brought him back, but you did not deserve this price. This was unfair.

[laughs a little weakly]

. . . You're not gonna believe anything I say, are you?

It's not that!

[puts a hand on his head soothingly]

It's okay, it's okay. You're a lot kinder than I am. It makes you too guilty, but normally . . . It's a good thing. I just wish you could've let go of some of that guilt this time.

[choked noise, lowering his head]

I'm not... I'm not kinder.

You're a thousand times kinder. I'd have left him to rot, and I wouldn't be sorry.

...

. . . Did I tell you I figured out what kind of person Nova is?

...

[looks up]

No...

That girl helped me realize it. You know, the crazy one? She was going on about how nice she is to everyone again and how much she likes herself, and I realized . . . well, first I realize she's a goddamn moron who doesn't even know what she's like. But I also realized I like the way I am now. I'm not the greatest guy at all. I don't forgive as easily as most people, and I get angry a lot easier, but I like it that way. I think I'd be sick with myself if I tried to be someone more like you. I really . . . I don't know how you do it all the time. You do it, and you're fucking genuine. It's amazing, you know?

...

You like how you are?

. . . Yeah . . . ? There's still room to improve, of course, but it's . . . It's not a bad starting place.

[...oh no

crying again!!!]

Edited 2012-02-25 05:45 (UTC)