thusia | (no subject)

[hrmmm]

Yours. I think I'm more likely to get unwelcome visitors.

[which is to say my jesus boyfriend will probably disapprove of my coping mechanisms]

. . . fine.

[ WE GOIN' . . . ? ]

[SO WE ARE]

I apologize for the lack of furniture.

[ sure is still

only a bedroll here ]

I've lived in far worse.

[you're smiling again =3c]

Is there somewhere I'm supposed to start, Father? I have quite a long list.

[ faaaccceeee how do I faaaaaaaace. ]

Wherever you're most comfortable.

[i will situate myself to lean on a wall near your bed then]

Well... they say start at the beginning, but most of those are pretty boring. Theft and lying, sodomy... that's a sin, isn't it? I stabbed a friend in defense once, and to this day I don't know if he survived.

...but that's all ordinary, I think. If you have to listen to other people's stories they should at least be a little unique. So how about the first time I tortured an 'innocent' man to death for my own amusement?

. . .

That is unique.

...I was young. Maybe seventeen...? I'd recently acquired my 'monster' and accepted the fate of it. I was curious about these new desires. [amused] From what I've heard, it's not unlike how most youth that age might feel about sex.

Anyway, I'd gotten a very expensive book meant for doctors. It laid out the shape and location of all of the organs and bones, and most of the muscle. I wanted to try it out. So I dressed up as a young lord does and went for a walk in a part of town where a young lord should not, and waited for a thief to come looking for an easy purse.

[ . . . cccrossses his arms, staying silent, but intently listening. ]

I didn't get what I was expecting. Not a street urchin at all but a young father, hard on his luck, just desperate for a way to feed his family. He thought things were finally looking up, just my coat would have gotten enough to feed his wife and child for a month, and he could take from the rich upperclass, a fellow who deserved any misfortune that might come his way. It was 'fair'.

[gosh. memories. tweaking. self out a little]

Of course instead he got me. I choked him unconscious and smuggled him into the family manor, and pinned him to my sitting room floor with some cutlery, which is where he awoke and told me his sad story. After I made sure that his lungs were exactly where the book claimed they were I left those, along with his throat and tongue alone. It was a long night and I didn't want to have to stay up through it without some conversation.

...do you want the details, Father? Which parts of him I cut, and which parts I pulled out? When exactly he gave up begging for his life and decided to beg for his death?

Edited 2012-05-31 04:11 (UTC)

[ his face is doing something and he sure knows it is, but his voice remains steady. Despite trying to wrestle his facial expression into. Something. ]

Is that part of your confession as well?

Well, you have to know the depth of the sin, don't you? Or is killing a man in an instant and killing him over a long night the same thing in God's eyes?

It is still a sin but it bears a different weight, yes.

Well then.

[closes his eyes, thinking a moment, hrrn]

He didn't understand what was happening at all, at first. He thought maybe I was going to rape him, and then he thought if he went along nicely he might be able to see his family again, and I didn't see any reason to take that dream away from him immediately. So I explained nicely that I had some things to investigate. That I wanted to do well by my family and this new ability of mine needed to be tested thoroughly. And I found his liver, and how hard I had to dig my nails into it before he would scream, and his stomach and if it's contents would really all come up if I squeezed it, and I pulled his intestines out a loop at a time, until I'd seen and shown him the full length of them and put them back in. But later in the night he complained that they were hurting so I don't think I got them put back quite right.

[ . . . ]

Monstrous.

[purr]

Completely. It was a little difficult not to just kill him sometimes. My control kept slipping and I made him bleed, inside and out, quite a few times. But I was nervous too, you know? I'd never intentionally killed someone, much less tortured them first before. I suppose I jumped in until it was over my head, and that poor man had to endure me figuring out how to swim.

Once I had sorted out where all of his organs where I peeled back the skin of an arm to see how muscle works and I felt out an artery in his leg and twisted it off. That limb turned ugly colors over the rest of the night. I wanted to know how long he could live without this or that but I couldn't settle on just what to test, so I every bone out of his other leg and made him try to move it.

[ hrff.

Exhale, lean against the wall, shuts his eyes. There's no point in saying anything and he's beyond trusting his voice really, right now. ]

[gosh

shifts a bit closer to you but not touchinggg]

When the sun started to rise he wasn't in his mind anymore. He'd given up apology, begging, making erratic promises he couldn't possibly keep anyway. I'd seen many mad men but it was the first time I'd driven anyone to it myself. He would sometimes remember to ask to die but it was obvious he had no real hope of it .... Would you believe that he even eventually offered to give me his wife and child if I let him go? He extolled the virtues of torturing a child or woman as being far greater than his own. But I could hardly blame him, humans are flawed creatures, after all. They can all be loyal and loving and all be treacherous and selfish.

Eventually, choosing a method to kill him become too overwhelming. Should I empty his stomach acids into his chest and see if they ate away his lungs? Should I take out his kidneys and see if lack of those little things could really kill a man? Or would putting holes in the liver, which is quite large, really be fatal?

So instead of experimenting with what would or wouldn't kill, I did something that I knew would. I reached into his chest and felt his weak heart beating, and slowly twisted it just a bit, so that nothing lined up right, and so I knew just when his last breath came and was able to watch it.

Edited 2012-05-31 07:47 (UTC)

[ shifts, and then shifts again. uncrosses his arms and recrosses them. a strain has entered his voice but he's opened his eyes and is staring straight ahead. It's an easy scenario to imagine, really. ]

What an unforgivable man you are.

[waaaatch]

Is that your professional assessment of the state of my soul, Father?

You don't sound very contrite either.

I suppose it's never suited me. Even now, when I can truly feel regret, the idea of it seems a bit weak. What was done was done.

Then your soul cannot be pardoned.

I wouldn't really expect it to be. So you have no need to hear more?