thusia | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Gil, Enkidu, Slick ... curious parties ... ?
When: Day 38, afternoon (a touch backdated)
Where: shrine room and probably onwardly wandering who knows.
What:

[So sometimes murder happens and then you feel honour-bound to revive somebody. Here's a clue. Never feel that.

There sure are a pair of Babylonians and one Slick in the Shrine Room making faces at each other. Most of said faces are confused.

SOME DINOSAUR RIDING MAY HAVE OCCURRED]

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...I didn't just lose River, you know. When I arrived in this world there wasn't a single person here I had the slightest care for. And while you arrived to friends already here, and now you have doubles of most of them, the only person from my past to be here is you.

I haven't seen my family since before the caves, and if they somehow did arrive here they would be justified in never accepting me. And of course perfectly ordinary people like my friends will never be of interest to these or any other gods. It's good for them, but it's a solid bet that I will never see anyone else I have loved again.

So no, boy. I'm sorry you find it pitiful, but I have no interest in embracing my sorrow. I have no interest in dying, or living a life weighed down by a past I can no longer touch. And cutting away a part of my life so that I can live happily is far from being 'not myself'.

...

[ugh crying. silently, the rest of his expression is trained, it is just happening]

I know, I know it's... I haven't forgotten how much you've lost.

However you think of it, it's still taking away your ability to react the way your heart normally would, even at times where it wouldn't be something like despair. Just something simple. If this is your choice in how to live here, I won't fight you. But I won't forget that this is another loss you've had to suffer to live.

I just... want you to be alright. You have new people you care for and they care about you, too. You... you're building something here. If this is helping you build then alright.

...everyone suffers various losses to live. To keep their life as something worth living. Just because you haven't sacrificed any feelings doesn't mean you don't also cut out parts of yourself, boy. I just did it a little more literally. Don't be so disheartened.

... I can still be upset for you! It's still sad! And you're always suffering! When I figured this out I... It isn't like I wanted to tell you you have to suffer more... not knowing what was happening just made it seem like you were suddenly cold...

You can be sad for me if you wish. But it's not a warmth I want.

...

[rubs at his face]

What do you feel now about River? The one here.

His name is Yamamoto Takeshi, and I've barely spoken to him.

You know he's not going to leave you alone...

[i could always kill him better...]

And you know you can't just kill him again because that resulted in a chain of deaths and memory loss...

Why did you even kill him in the first place?

...I don't really know.

. . . What did you feel?

Killing him? Nothing. It wasn't satisfying at all.

Did you really expect it to be satisfying?

Did I say I killed him for satisfaction? It wasn't planned. But it's how I usually feel and if I still had my Noah I would have even then.

...

how did you feel then. seeing him again.

There is no 'again'. Whatever similarities they have, he isn't River. And obviously I don't like the reminder.

I know that. I know what that's like a few times over.

[reaches up to cup his face '-']

But that doesn't mean you didn't feel something. If you're going to live without sorrow, and I'm going to support you, then I want to at least ask how you think.

[i think we have talked about river too much and i'm done now, grabs one of Allen's wrists to pull a hand down]

There's really nothing I can tell you. Whatever you guess should be close enough to truth.

[honey '-']

. . .

Alright...

[pause, just-- looking at him. . .]

[?]

... I love you...

[...

touches Allen's face and drags his thumb along the scar]

I suppose I'm not being very loving.

... I didn't exactly fall for your loving side...

I hope this really does work for you... I really do. I do just want you to be okay. You complete idiot.